Eros and thanatos

INTRODUCTION
Any student of the psychotherapies would have heard the terms:
Eros and thanatos
Libido and mortido
Life instinct and the death instinct
If not, then they should have! Freud seized on this concept and it became central in his overall theory of human nature. In his book “The ego and the id” he discussed this theory of instincts at length.

Freud[1962] in his discussion of the two classes of instincts states that the first class is the sexual instincts or Eros. This is a "...self-preservative instinct,..."(P30). On the other hand there is the death instinct whose task it is to, "...lead organic life back into the inanimate state;..."(P30).
He is thus entering into the field of the philosophy of opposites. Human nature, life and the universe is unerringly a collection of opposites. The answer to the question, “Is it possible to have something that does not have an opposite?” begs unending cognition.

Hyams(1998) notes this in her article on dissociation. She says that the world is full of polarities - good/bad, inhaling/exhaling, high/low and so on. In addition there is yin/yang, protons/electrons, left/right, black/white, matter/anti-matter and so on endlessly. Does something exist that does not have an opposite? I am yet to think of one. As soon as one defines ‘x’, then ‘not x’ is also defined. However that is for the philosophers to conjugate over.



THEORY OF OPPOSITES
Freud’s theory of these two instincts is a theory of opposites. One problem with such theories is they can become static. One discusses what is a manifestation of Eros (the life instinct) and what is a manifestation of Thanatos (the death instinct).
Eros = love, procreation, win/win situations, peace and cooperation, god.
Thanatos = hate, murder, game playing, war, devil.
This provides us with a static taxonomy of this theory. It is possible to look at how they interact and Freud does this to a certain extent in ‘The ego and the id’. He talks about love and hate being able to change into one another and how eating is both simutaneously constructive (gives life to consumer) and destructive (destroys the consumed product).

It is this point, in my view, that gets lost and is never taken far enough by Freud. This theory of insticts gets caught up in a right/wrong or good/bad morality. His bipartite system has a moral basis which leads it into trouble. It follows on from the same moral view that has been held by many if not all religions throughout time.

Life, growth, creation is good vs death and destruction is bad. In religious terms we have good and evil and god and the devil. The church has for all time seen god as good and the devil as bad and we must behave and think in a way that allows to be with god and defeat the devil. The only true way to defeat the devil is to not define god. As soon as one defines god, one defines the devil at least in part - the devil = non-god. If you do not define god then the devil cannot exist. If it does not exist then it is ‘beaten’ in one sense.



MORAL BASIS OF PSYCHOTHERAPY
This god vs devil or eros vs thanatos are static models based on a moral principle as suggested before. Thus we have the very basis for the moral underpinnings of psychotherapy.
Thanatos vs Eros = games vs intimacy, aggression vs assertion, I’m not OK vs I’m OK, win/lose vs win/win, competition vs cooperation, script vs autonomy. Some now argue they do not hold to such a moral view, as Transactional Analysts they work with the client and hold no judgements as to what is right and wrong.

In my view - balderdash. How many books on TA describe how to increase game behaviour and decrease the capacity for intimacy. How many describe how to avoid intimacy and increase script bound thinking and feeling. Transactional analysis is based on (as are all psychotherapies) a set of moral judgements about what constitutes life & growth and what constitutes death and destruction. What constitutes health and what constitutes pathology is central to any psychotherapy.



EROS & THANATOS VIEWED DYNAMICALLY
Let us take the static model of Freud’s bipartite theory and look at it as a dynamic model. Once done we end up with a very different situation. This allows us to go beyond examining the two insticts and what they represent in thinking, feeling and behaving. Instead it leads us to 3 new questions:

1. Are Eros and Thanatos interacting or not?
2 When they do not interact what happens?
3 When they do intereact what happens?
These three questions lead us to yet another set of opposites - change vs inertia.

What would happen if all the poeple on earth suddenly came to their senses and were able to tap totally into their eros energy and avoid all their thanatos energy? Governments would stop spending trillons of dollars on building bombs and weaponery and put all that money into psychotherapy and medical science. With all the advances taking place eventually people would than be able to live good quality lives until, they were 150 years old. What would the planet be like then. Firstly, governments of the world would rapidly bring out one child policies and these would even more rapidly become ‘no child policies’ or ‘very few child policies’. We end up in a state of inertia - little change. If we could all tap into the good growth, creative energy of the universe we end up static, in a state of inertia. When the eros instinct over rides its opposite for too long this is where we end up. If the thanatos instinct over rides then we end up in a similar state. Everything is destroyed, nothing is created and we end up inert again.

As transactional analysts this means we must be aware that it is essential that we remain playing games at some level and remain script bound to some degree. If we became script free then we end up inert. Thus we have one answer to the question about what happens when eros and thanatos do not interact.

So what happens when they do interact. Consider this other example that occured in Australia recently. There were massive bush fires in the eastern states of Australia. We saw images of huge flames, dead animals and huge areas of burnt out forests, All the reports were of how much devastation had been caused, how much bush had been destroyed. Clearly thanatos had been at work and left massive destruction in its wake.

However this is incorrect. The bush had not been destroyed it had been changed. The pictures of huge blackened areas all left us with black, sorrowful feelings. These blackened areas should be a stimulus of great feelings of excitment, anticipation and joy, not of sorrow. Imagine the growth and creation of insects, rodents, vegetation that are now going to occur in these blackened areas. It will represent an expression of eros in its undiluted form, a thing which we all say is wonderful. If there had never been the thanatos of the fire then this eros could not have occured.



DEATH PHOBIA
We humans are a death phobic species. We will do almost anything to avoid the pain that acts based on the thanatos instinct can bring. We spend millions of dollars on fire fighters and fire fighting equipment to reduce the “destruction” (ie thanatos, ie change) to a minimum.

Consider human reaction to endangered species like the elephant or lion - the Kings of the wild. What do we do. We create breeding in captivity programs in zoos. We create reserves for them to live in. These are called wild life parks. A nice term to alleviate our guilt. Lets be realistic wild life parks are the same as breeding in captivity. These wildlife parks and zoos are simply museums. They allow us and our children to see species as how they once were. A useful endeavour. But lets not pretend they are existing as they used to. Such parks and zoos allow us to observe the history of such species, not the now.

So why do not we just let all the elephants and lions die out. Let that symbol of evil and thanatos - the poacher - do his work and kill off all the remaining ones. Why do we not get it over and done with instead of stringing out the pain and trying to pretend that these species still exist. Why do not we accept that lions are extinct, its just that we do have some in a museum that we can go and look at from time to time?.

I do not have an answer. Perhaps it is a sign of some form of collective human guilt. Perhaps it is because we have accepted a static model of eros and thanatos or god and the devil. If we look at the same model dynamically then we see that with the extinction of the lion that opens up change and some form of species will be allowed to grow, develop or even be created that could never have happened with the presence of the lions. The poachers work allows eros (god) and thanatos (devil) to interact thus we do not remain in inertia but move into a change phase.



PSYCHOTHERAPY AND THE DYNAMIC MODEL
How does this translate into psychotherapy and transactional analysis. All psychotherapies have some sort of statement on what is health and what is not. The majority spend a great deal of time defining such things. For instance in TA we have script and autonomy. Large amounts of time and energy have been spent on defining and diagnosing what are script thoughts, feelings and behaviours and what are not. Then just as much time is spent on how to treat or facilitate change of such thoughts and feelings.

How would people react to suggestions that:
“A divorce is to be as celebrated as much as a marriage”
“Game playing is essential to normal human growth and development”
“The srcipt free individual will wither and die over time”

This is what the dynamic model of eros and thanatos or the life and death instincts proposes. Up to date psychotherapies have been taken from the church or the (moral) static dichotomy of good and bad and the god and the devil.



CONCLUSION
It seems erronous to view humans as having the two drives of eros and thanatos. Instead we have:

interaction/unbalance/change or stagnation/balance/homeostasis.

It is more reasoned to view these two drives as either interacting or not. If they are not dynamically involved then we have stagnation and non-life. If they are interacting then we have life.

REFERENCES
Freud, S. (1962). The ego and the id. New York: W.W. Norton.
Hyams, H. (1998) Dissociation: Definition, Diagnosis, Manifestations, and Therapy, with Special Reference to Cults/Sects. Transactional Analysis Journal. 28(3), 234 - 243.

Melamary life script currency analysis

Results

uniqueness
one and only +
feelings ++
power +++
reverse status
sex ++
beauty
pied paper
booze ++
food +
violence
money ++
words +
drugs +

Analysis

Games - Rapo, cops and robbers, psychiatry
Stage - anal
Lifestyle/occupation - politics, examiners, critics, the “boss”. police, doctors, psychologists
Therapist - Supervisor / supervisee disputes, industrial mediation
Personality - paranoid, anti social
Issues - Control, penis envy, dependency



Power is an interesting script currency and not an uncommon one. It is unfortunate in that the person tends to waste so much energy as they get caught in fights or disputes they do not need to and so much energy gets ‘wasted’ in this way. The person with the power script currency needs to ask self, “Do I need to be involved in this dispute”.

The young child has fight (compared to flight or freeze) as its primary response to parental control. Feeding, toileting and adolescence are especially crucial stages in this child’s development where parents need to be extra careful not to set up an adversarial relationship with the child in a battle for power and control. However it is not just these stages and it is all through the formative years that parents need to be careful with the ‘fight’ child.



Power is a double edged sword in relationships. If one feels they have the power position in the relationship that can lead to a sense of safety because one is in control of what happens. However it is also tiring as one IS always in control and thus can never be ‘looked after’ by the other. In therapy the client is invited to take the dependent role in the relationship with the therapist. They may find this very difficult to do but if achieved they may feel a great sense of relief at not having to be the one expending all the energy being in charge.

The therapist needs to make sure that the therapeutic relationship does not become just yet another battle field for a fight over control, for the client. This does happen as therapists are the ones in the power position in the therapeutic relationship and thus those with a power script currency issues will be attracted to the profession.

Graffiti

Book update

A part from an interview I did on the book


Interview on the book - Working with suicidal individuals.

Question - Does your own suicide experience have something to do with your interest in this topic? And why did you decide to incorporate information about it in this book?

Answer - In answer to your question, probably. My own suicidal experiences in adolescence would have something to do with my interest in the topic but it’s not something I have ever consciously thought about. I have no desire to have some sort of crusade or campaign to stop adolescent suicide.

Working in the field of psychology one comes across suicidal people quite regularly. Whilst I probably have a personal interest in the topic, when working as a psychologist it is wise to be well informed on the topic of suicide anyway. Hence I have specialised in the area over my years of practice.

Since writing the book were I refer to my two suicide attempts as a teenager I have had colleagues tell me how brave I am to make such a public disclosure and they would never tell of theirs. I have been surprised at the number of colleagues who have made suicide attempts or been very close to acting on their suicidal urges at some point in their life.

I have experiences in my life that I would keep private but this is not one of them. I see no difficulty in disclosing such a thing. I have never had anyone tell me they look down on me for it or because I did that it should disqualify me from being a psychologist. I suppose some may think but there is not much I can do about that.

I think it provides me with a unique insight into the psyche of the suicidal adolescent and makes me more qualified to work with such young people. Which is what I have done and I have endeavoured to pass that insight onto others though the book.

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Latest review from a very experienced and ‘decorated’ social worker who has practised well over 30 years in a wide variety of mental health areas.

Tony White   Working with Suicidal  Individuals
A Guide to Providing Understanding, Assessment and Support.
 
I have read Rosemary Napper and Dr. Jan Hennig's reviews of Tony's book and agree with all that they say.   I would however like to add a few comments of my own after recently finishing the book.
 
My approach was three-fold: 
1. What don't I know
2. What is it like for those new to the subject
3. My opinion of the total work.
 
When I began my training in clinical TA Tony had just qualified as a TA clinician, and I remember being amused  and fascinated by the way that he then proceeded to examine every facet of the theory from every last perspective.   Some 30 years later, having read this book, I rejoice that he has brought the same scrutiny and rigour to his subject.   His work is a valuable and much-needed text book or guide to this very dense and complicated field.   It is comprehensive yet easily digestible:  essential qualities that are, unfortunately, all too rare in many similar works.    His aim:  "to add to the field in the assessment, management and understanding of the suicidal person" has been admirably achieved.
 
One of the things that struck me as I read was how well the TA structure of personality and the system of transactions lend themselves to the whole field of suicidal individuals, and Tony defines and describes them so clearly in Chapter 3.
 
Secondly, reading Chapter 4 The Suicide Decision, really brought home to me the secret of Tony's success from my perspective:  Eric Berne, the author of TA taught us:  "If a seven-year-old can't understand it, don't say it !"  Tony's description of the early decision uses clear, simple, understandable language and a step-by-step style, which totally facilitates the understanding and grasp of this complex subject.   In toto, we take a fascinating walk through the facts rather that drowning in facts, figures and technical language.   The same essential skills are demonstrated in Chapter 6 - Reactions to High Stress where the coverage is very clear and wonderfully complete - eg. self-harming techniques v. suicide - never too nit-picking and boring but systematically and interestingly described.   I rejoice.
 
Other aspects of the book that I find worthy of note are:
 
1.  pp.119-124 (Suicide and prisoners)   I appreciate the care given to examining the prison population and the respect with which the author approached them.
 
2.  The clarity of the many charts and diagrams eg, p.128 (the cycles of depression).
 
3. The emphasis given to the times of severity and recovery, which would be surprising and important for newcomers to the field. p.131 (Recovery from depression)
 
4.  pp194-96  I was very proud of Tony's courage in using plain speaking, and his very empathic and humane approach to explaining and promoting understanding of the causes of pseudo suicide.   I see this as a tacit invitation to others to drop their prejudices and adopt a similar perspective.
 
5.  pp211-12  working with suicidal ambivalence.   The considerable amount of detail with FC and AC which is so very necessary was excellent, and again so clear....;...it made me sing !!!
 
6.  Suicide Time Lines Ch.13 - are not very often seen as important - good to see them here.   Tony gets another star for thoroughness !
 
7.  Redecision Therapy Ch/15 - great to see this splendid technique described in such detail- the most thorough and effective that I have found, especially for this life and death issue.
 
Tony, Eric Berne would be proud of you.   This is a splendid book, perfect for newcomers as well as for those long in the field.   As I read I began to smile:  you have taught us all to do the great detective work required for these people.   I hereby christen you the Poirot of Psychotherapy - a Detective  Extraordinaire!!!




The book has now been out 6 months and can be found in many academic and university libraries. And these are only the ones that I have found.

Additions of note have been in Canada and some recent quite prestigious universities like:
University of California San Diego (USA)
University of Western Australia (Aust)
National University of Singapore (Singapore)

It seems a book based on the Transactional Analysis theory of suicide is being used in such university programmes as social work, nursing, medicine, psychology, psychotherapy and counselling.


University of Western Australia (Aust)
Victoria University (Aust)
Charles Sturt University (Aust)
Curtin University (Aust)
Australian Catholic University (Aust)
Bond University (Aust)
University of Melbourne (Aust)
James Cook University (Aust)
National Library of Australia (Aust)
Maribor General Hospital Library (Slovenia)
Stellenbosch University Library (South Africa)
Mitt hogskolan library (Sweden)
Stockholm University (Sweden)
PJ Library (Norway)
University of Cambridge (UK)
Oxford University library (UK)
Coventry City Council library (UK)
Bromley Library service (UK)
Cadbury Heath Library (UK)
Kingswood Library (UK)
Yate Library (UK)
British Library (UK)
Hounslow Library (UK)
Barnet London Borough Library (UK)
National library of Scotland (Scotland)
Executive Counseling and Training Academy (Singapore)
Ngee Ann Polytechnic Library(Singapore)
Singapore Polytechnic Library (Singapore)
National University of Singapore (Singapore)
University of California San Diego (USA)
Marquette University Raynor Memorial Library (USA)
University of Massachusetts Amherst (USA)
National Library of Medicine Maryland (USA)
Loyola Marymount University California (USA)
University of Michigan (USA)
University of North Carolina Chapel Hill (USA)
University of Missouri-Columbia (USA)
Akron-Summit County Public Library, Ohio (USA)
University of California Merced (USA)
University of North Carolina Greensboro (USA)
Library of congress (USA)
University of California San Franisco (USA)
Mt. Hood Community College Library Oregon (USA)
National College of Natural Medicine Oregon (USA)
Oregon Health and Science University (USA)
Northeast WI Public Libraries (USA)
College of DuPage Illinois (USA)
Boston College (USA)
University of Chicago Illinois (USA)
University of North Texas (USA)
Laredo Public Library Texas (USA)
University of Texas-Pan American (USA)
University of Texas at Austin (USA)
Trinity College Dublin (Ireland)
Dublin Institute of Technology (Ireland)
University of Auckland Library (New Zealand)
Auckland University of Technology (New Zealand)
Eastern Institute of Technlogy (New Zealand)
University of Otago (New Zealand)
Rotorua District Library (New Zealand)
University of Waterloo (Canada)
Wilfrid Laurier University (Canada)
University of Guelph (Canada)
Library and Archives Canada (Canada)
City University of Hong Kong (China)

Envy (Compare and contrast). Edit #2 (part 2)

Websters definition of envy:

“Painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage.”

Two people sit side by side listening and watching a friend play the piano in a very masterful and talented way.

The first person feels the beauty of the music and has admiration for the obvious talent of the pianist.

The second person is consumed with envy. She thinks it is not fair her friend is so talented, that she has a big nose and she is not so good at tennis.


Talent

The second person has done compare and contrast and the first person has not. They both are in the same situation, one person has compared and contrasted the pianist to self and one has not.

The first person does not have the desire to possess the same advantage and the second person does. The first person may not even be aware the pianist has an advantage whilst the second person is acutely aware of the advantage.

Why is this so?

and

Perhaps one can only feel envy if they use the psychological mechanism of compare and contrast first?


Home wrecker or talented actress



If this is so then the treatment of pathological envy could be dealt with by disrupting the need to compare and contrast and disrupting the persons ability to engage in the process of compare and contrast.

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Why compare and contrast

It seems there may be a number of possible scenarios that may lead some to use the psychological process of compare and contrast.

First it is probably safe to say that compare and contrast is a normal thing that humans do. As with so many of these things they start out as natural human behaviour but then get slightly transformed and become neurotic.



The two different types of compare and contrast could be seen as functions of separate aspects of the personality.

It is a Free Child function when people use compare and contrast (C & C) to get an understanding of self. When we meet our peers we can learn about ourselves by understanding how others think, feel and behave. When we meet those who are the same age, gender, occupation and so forth it gives us a reference point from which we can understand ourselves. By comparing and contrasting to our peers we gain a fuller understanding of who we are.

In addition to this when we meet others who are dissimilar we can also compare and contrast for the same purpose. In recent times I have travelled to countries like Serbia and Croatia and got to know people who are from a different culture. As I have gotten to know my new friends more I notice things about them that are different to how I and other Australians think, feel and behave. I have compared my self and my culture to them and their culture and thus I now have a fuller or more profound understanding about myself (and them).



Whilst this seems fairly normal the process of compare and contrast can become excessive therefore resulting in neurotic behaviour which would be seen as an Adapted Child ego state function. In this case people could be seen to use C & C excessively or use it in a way which creates painful feelings and self destructive behaviour.

Consider the example above where two people were listening to the pianist and had two quite different reactions. The one who was consumed with envy used C & C when there was no FC reason to. It resulted in painful feelings for her which would very likely effect her behaviour to the pianist which is likely to be destructive to the relationship. This could be seen as an instance of neurotic compare and contrast. Why would she do this whilst the person sitting beside her does not.

There are a number of parenting scenarios that may lead to this in adult life

1. Parents rate people’s worth on what they have and who they are. The children being in the home see this and model on it. A person from the rich side of town may be spoken of in glowing and respectful ways by the parents. Those of limited means are seen to be less than by the parents. Children growing up around this type of thinking could develop neurotic C & C behaviour in adulthood.



2. The parents compare children with their siblings or their peers. This may happen when parents place children in child beauty pageants. In such instances children are directly and openly being compared and contrasted to their peers. Indeed this happens in any competitive situation. If parents encourage this AND have the attitude that the winner is a better person or some how worth more then C & C may develop in the child’s mind.

If parents encourage children to use competitive pursuits to better them self and realise their potential then neurotic C & C would be less likely to develop. If winning and loosing get entangled with a sense of self worth in the child’s mind then neurotic C & C could develop it would seem.

In the example of the pianist the envious woman was not really concerned about the musical talent. The issue is that because her friend was a more talented that meant (at least in her mind) that she was a better person, more worthwhile, a more important or superior person than her.

3. Sometimes parents favour one child over another. For some reason they give one child more stuff, time, encouragement, love and so forth. This could develop are sense of comparison in the minds of both children, the favoured one and the non favoured one. They are raised in an environment where things are uneven and this signifies a different attitude and feelings in mother to each child. Thus the ‘things’ become important to the children because they represent affection or attention from mother and the value mother has of the child.



Indeed the same applies the other way. In some domestic situations one child will be singled out by mother or father for extra punitive treatment. For some reason in the psyche of mother one child will be treated more badly, punished more, discounted more and so forth. Again the child will notice the unevenness of this and that it is related to important factors in the psychology of mother.

4. Related to the above one could argue that younger siblings are more likely to develop neurotic C & C because they see the older one getting more stuff, freedoms and liberties. Generally speaking older siblings have more psychological impact on the younger siblings than the other way around. Older siblings are more important to the younger sibling than the other way around. Indeed not uncommonly an older sibling can have a significant impact on the development of transference templates of the younger sibling’s psyche. It is much less likely to occur the other way around.



The younger sibling observes the older one get more ‘stuff’ and becomes envious. For instance the younger sibling has to go to bed at 8pm and the older sibling is allowed to stay up until 10pm. In its mind the age difference is insignificant and the older sibling is simply being favoured by mother and father. Hence C & C is more likely to develop in the mind of a younger sibling.

5. As presented elsewhere
when children develop in their early years they make decisions about what is called their life position. They decide on the value of self and others such as I’m OK, You’re OK (I+U+). There are seven different life positions they can choose from. One is the life position of I’m not OK, But you’re worse (I-U--). In this instance the person feels bad about self but sees others as worse thus making self feel better.

In this case the child has decided to use the process of C & C to protect its sense of self. In essence C & C process becomes a defence mechanism. They compare and contrast self to others perceived as ‘worse’, so as to defend self against its own anxiety generated by realising its own low self worth.

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Feeling envy
These 5 examples show how some children are primed or programmed to enter adulthood and engage in the process of comparing and contrasting. Others who have not had such experiences will not be programmed in such a way. In adulthood they will not naturally compare themselves to others they meet.

The woman who was listening to the pianist and did not feel envy may simply have not compared herself to the pianist and thus she is not aware there is a difference. As our original definition stated, if one is not aware of a difference then one cannot feel envy.

Graffiti

Redecision flowchart - edit #1

Sometimes I do requests.
Here is one for my good friend.



Children make early decisions about them self, others and life. These are mostly formed and set by the end of the first decade of life. Usually people do not alter these but by the process of redecision they can be altered.



Many years ago it was Freud who first coined the phrase, “repetition compulsion”. That is people have a compulsion to repeat the same behaviours, thoughts and feelings over and over in their lives. Since that time many have said the same in various forms and ways. People behave in patterns and this is no more obvious than in their relationships. People do the same things over and over in the ways they relate to others.

These early decisions are one explanation of how the basis for the patterns are formed. When the 4 year old child makes its decision they get set in the psyche and as I said often remain unchanged for the rest of their life. Redecision therapy is one means by which a person can change such decisions.


What decisions will this child make in this situation? The pattern is being set. When he is 30 years old how will he compulsively repeat the same pattern with adult behaviour.


Graffiti

The expression of shame & blushing (Part 5)

Thanks to all those people who kindly sent me bits and pieces on shame when I requested any information on the physiology of shame. That information still remains quite elusive. That is, what physical bodily changes occur when a person experiences shame or embarrassment. I have for the moment given up on my pursuit of that information and will seek to produce a statement about what happens to the person when they feel shame.

I am referring to here and now shame rather than neurotic shame at this juncture. We all go through life and sooner or later circumstances arise where we will feel shame which is appropriate to the events. For most this is probably not a common occurrence and as I mentioned before the experience of embarrassment is probably much more common for most. People who were shamed as children will feel shame in response to a wider variety of events in adulthood because they have been ‘programmed’ to have that reaction.



What happens when a person feels shame or embarrassment?

Common body expression and attitudes when one experiences shame include a bowing of the head, an attempt to hide the face possibly with the hands, a blushing of the face and possible sweating, body bent over on itself and possibly a closing of the eyes. It is like the person is endeavouring to make self as small and as invisible as possible and as a result there will be a strong drive to remove self from any company and seek to isolate self for a while.

The other interesting feature of shame and embarrassment is blushing. In this instance there is a reddening of the face, neck and possibly the upper chest. This is seen to be a reaction of the sympathetic nervous system that causes the blood vessels in the face to dilate. The cheeks tend to have more capillaries and blood vessels than other parts of the body and the vessels also tend to be wider in diameter and closer to the surface. The increased blood flow results in a colour change in that area from light pink to dark red. As it is involuntary it is something that cannot be controlled which may cause even further disquiet.

It is believed that everyone has the physical capacity to blush. The whiter the skin the more observable it is. In dark skinned people it is almost impossible to notice but they do blush the same as lighter skinned people. Women tend to blush more than men. It is reported to occur in kindergarten aged child but some report that a child as young as two years old can blush. Adolescence is the stage at which it is most prevalent due to it being a period of high self consciousness. As one grows older it tends to decrease as people start to become less self conscious (in normal circumstances) and the stimulation of the blood vessels decreases with age.



From a human communication point of view blushing is an interesting phenomena. Blushing is body language like any other kind of body language and people can use it to communicate. What does it communicate to the observer of the body language? Perhaps one could draw the blushing transaction as such:


Blushing transaction

1. The blusher receives some kind of information from the other person or from the environment in some way. A woman at a party has a wardrobe malfunction in front of a group of others and exposes her breast. She does not realise until someone brings it to her attention. A wife may mention to others in front of him how her husband now has to wear a ‘nappy’ since his bladder operation.

2. In response to the incoming information the person blushes with a reddening of the cheeks. This communicates back to the observer that the blusher thinks he has broken some moral boundary or sense of personal dignity as defined by the Child ego state and he is currently feeling very bad and uncomfortable about it. They will also know he is highly motivated to end the precipitating event either by withdrawal or changing the subject and so on.

This response will be a Free Child transaction if the shame or embarrassment is an appropriate reaction to the incoming information. If the shame is not an appropriate response that would be seen as an Adapted Child reaction and form the basis of neurotic shame. The two examples cited in number 1 above could be seen to be examples where it is appropriate to feel shame.


Unfortunately many teachers have learnt that shame is a good way to control children. Whilst parents may be careful not to shame a child at home it can be happening in the classroom.

A good example of the AC (neurotic) response can be found with some social phobics. A person with such a phobia can have self defeating internal talk. When in conversation they may start thinking that the observer can see they are blushing and thus how much of an idiot they look or how embarrassing they are. They may or may not be actually blushing but the person feels they are. This makes them more uncomfortable and thus the blushing increases or is felt to increase more so.

Note the lack of Parent ego state involvement in the transactions which is typical of the difference between shame and guilt. Like guilt, shame has the capacity to curb human behaviour most notably the Free Child. Whereas guilt comes from a Parent ego state introject shame is a Child ego state driven process and hence tends to be more potent and destructive. Shame feels very unpleasant to the person and thus they will be highly motivated to change their behaviour. Shame is experienced as being more in the core of the person as compared to guilt.

Do people blush alone, is an interesting question. People certainly can feel shame whilst being alone. The woman cited above who had the wardrobe malfunction can recall that event the next day whilst alone in her home and feel shame about it. However would her feelings of shame result in blushing? She is aware she is not being observed by anyone in that instance. I am unsure of the answer to this question. I would tend to think that she would not blush or certainly any blushing that did occur would be less intense. However I have no data on which to base this conclusion.


Making children perform on stage can easily produce a shame reaction. Parents need to take care when the child is required to make some kind of public performance.


Does anyone out there have personal experience with being alone and blushing or not blushing?

Whilst my parents were by no means perfect they never did shame me as a child. Thus I have few incidents where I can recall when I felt shame as a child or an adult. There are a couple and if I recall them I do not think that I demonstrate any blushing.

This leads us to the next stage in the process of our discovery of the various components of shame. Many a client will recount incidents where they felt shame in the past. If a client experiences shame in front of the therapist what does the therapist do? Watch this space.

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The copy cat suicide

The phenomena of copy cat suicide has been documented for some time. It is noted that there can be clusters of other suicide attempts after a suicide by those known to the deceased directly or even through the internet. It can also happen when a suicide for some reason gets a lot of publicity or a particularly high profile person suicides. This can lead to a spike in suicides and attempts by people who knew of the deceased through the publicity but was not know them personally.

It should also be noted that the copy cat effect could apply when some one is just talking about and demonstrating suicidal behaviour not only when a suicide is completed. For instance if one has a peer or relative who makes suicide attempts, talks about their suicidal thoughts and plans, displays suicide notes, displays stock piled medication, a tube for gassing self in a car or a rope for hanging self and so forth then there can be a copy cat effect.

Why would a person copy another individual who has suicided. It would seem that there are three possible psychological phenomena at work with copy cat suicides. It seems reasonable to conclude and the research would agree that the more emotional importance the suicidal person has to the individual the more likely the occurrence of a copy cat attempt. The most obvious one being a parent, a close loved one or with teenagers a close friend, member of his gang or community.

Look at how the man and boy are standing

Modelling. The term copy cat means precisely that, copying. People copy each other’s behaviour, thoughts and feelings especially of those who are important. Humans model on each other and in transactional analysis terms the modelled behaviour is placed in the Parent ego state as a tape. If the two other aspects of the personality, that is the Child and Adult ego states are consistent with suicidal behaviour then modelling suicidal behaviour could result in a copy cat suicide attempt being undertaken.

Parent ego state tapes

Permissions. In order to behave a certain way people sometimes seek permission from others to do so. This often happens in counselling. The client has decided on a course of action but feels unsure about it and thus seeks out a counsellor to get permission to do it. That may be to leave a marriage, change jobs, confront mother and so forth. If someone else says its OK to do it then the person feels more confident and secure in taking the course of action.

This of course can also apply for suicidal behaviour. If one has a parent or close friend who is talking about suicide, displaying methods of suicide, attempting suicide or even completes a suicide attempt this can be permission giving. By watching another person act in a certain way can be taken as a permission by the individual to behave in the same way. Again, if the rest of the personality is prone to suicidal behaviour then such permissions can lead to suicide attempts by the person.

This permission giving aspect of copy cat suicide attempts can lead to angst amongst parents of teenagers who listen to rock music that have lyrics about suicide. The parents see the rock stars as possibly giving permission to the teenagers to behave in suicidal ways. If the rock star is idolised by the teenager then the permission giving can be quite strong indeed. However rock music lyrics have never made anyone suicidal but it could play some sort of role in permission giving as is described here. If the rest of the personality is not consistent with suicidal acts then it is not going to happen.

Normalising behaviour. If a teenager is in a peer group where others are getting tattoos then the actual act of getting a tattoo become normalised. It is no longer seen as an abnormal act in the eyes of the teenager and thus he is more likely to get a tattoo of his own. If a teenager listens to a peer talk about and plan a suicide then that makes the behaviour more normal. If one sees mother complete a suicide that makes the behaviour more normal for the child.

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The teenage client and conflict - Part 2

In working with teenagers on comes across the Rebellious Child transaction.

Not uncommonly the teenager will make a RC transaction to the parents and is in one way looking for a Parent ego state response. Some parents do respond from the CP and get locked into this type of battle with the teenager. It is not uncommon for parents to bring their teenager to counselling with this type of transaction occurring. This type of transaction between parent and teenager can go on for long periods of time

However, how the parent actually responds is a matter of choice and they have a whole variety of possible responses. They can respond with:

Critical Parent (CP-)

Controlling Parent (CP+)

Nurturing Parent

Adult

Conforming Child

Rebellious Child

Free Child

At this juncture I will only discuss the Critical Parent ego state (CP-) response and not go into the pros and cons of the six other types of transactions, their possible uses and so forth.

If the parent-teenager dyad gets locked into Rebellious Child - Critical Parent repetitive transacting then one is confronted with a relationship that has conflict as its basis. As a therapist it is germane to keep in mind some of the features of relationships that are based on conflict. More precisely what are some of the psychological features of conflict. What I am describing here refers mainly to interpersonal conflict between two or three people. However as social psychology shows us there are many similar features in conflicts between groups of people (ie nations).

Features of conflict

Conflict and escalation - It is easier to escalate that de-escalate conflict. One can use the metaphor of a canyon. It is easier to climb down into the conflict canyon than it is to climb out of it. Some of the reasons for this are listed below.

Zero sum thinking - One side’s gain is the other side’s loss. These people have a belief in a win-loss outcome to conflict. When this happens the parents and teenager can forget to look for win-win solutions and usually both sides end up loosing in the end. Also with zero sum thinking both sides will tend to automatically see the other sides motive as aggressive. This can involve projection. If the teenager is thinking of beating his parents then he will tend to automatically assume they are thinking the same way.

Quick fix solution - As conflict progresses and escalates both sides will tend to focus on a single solution to the problem. A parent may say, “If he would just speak to me nicely then things would be much better”. Or the teenager may think, “If they let me stay out with my friends it would be better”. Both parties start to think in terms of a simplistic solution and it often becomes the battleground. The teenager and the parent argue about him staying out with his friends.

From a therapy point of view one can easily draw the transactions for the parents and teenager showing the relationship dynamics behind the conflict. Hopefully they will take some of it in.

Partisan perceptions - In conflict both sides are often ego centric in their perceptions. They view their behaviour as more benevolent and legitimate. Each side often assumes that the other sees its behaviour in the same favourable light.

Mirror image - this results from “worst case scenario” thinking which can result in a self fulfilling prophecy. If I think of the worst case scenario that can lead me to expect that the other side will act unfavourably and seek the worst outcome for me.

Group think - Parents can support each others thinking about the conflict and play the game of ‘Ain’t they awful’. The parents can express similar thoughts and feelings about the teenager which lead them to believe that their views and actions are right because some one else agrees with them. (ie the ‘group’ thinks similar things). Of course teenagers also do this when they get together and tell each other how awful parents are.

Conflict spirals - Each side sees the other as having ‘started it’ and they are merely reacting to the aggression of the other. This can also be used to justify escalating the aggression of the response as one sees self as the innocent victimised party.

Punishment and suppression - In conflict there can be the belief that if you punish the other side for its aggression this will then suppress future aggressive behaviour by the other side. This rarely happens as the other side is usually thinking the same thing.

Entrapment - Further involvement in the conflict is justified on the basis of past investment and loss. The teenager may think, “I have stood up to my parent for 2 days, so I can’t stop now or it would have all been for nothing”.

As one looks at these aspects of conflict one is drawn to notice the whole ego centricity of it all. What you would expect of a couple of 6 year olds in a play ground having a fight. There is very little interest or investment in seeing it from the others point of view and having the belief that I may be wrong in part. Our nations leaders are a prime example.

From a counselling point of view this is a key factor in the resolution of conflict between two people, in this instance the parent and the teenager. We all have a 6 year old Child ego state in us so we will all think and behave in the ways I have just described. We all have an eye for an eye thinking in us:

“You hurt me, so I hurt you back” (Child ego state)

If this can be changed to

“You hurt me, so how did I contribute to you wanting to do that” (Parent and Adult ego state)

Obviously much easier said than done but if achieved the conflict will be brief and tend to not escalate.

Most teenagers will do Rebellious Child transacting around parents and authority figures like teachers and therapists. This is inevitable and psychologically a good thing. In working with them in therapy if one can communicate some of these features of conflict that can then assist to reduce the intensity and duration of the conflict. Thus raising the awareness of the various aspects of thinking in a conflictual relationship.

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The therapeutic relationship with the teenage client

Sometimes when you run a workshop you end up leaving with more questions than answers. This happened to me recently at a workshop on “Counselling with teenagers” in Belgrade. Here is a picture of me with the group.

Sometimes I get a question or group discussion where I don’t have a response and it sparks some more thinking and research on the topic for me.

At one point in this workshop I was asked about my approach to the counselling of teenagers and did I come from a parent position. That is do I see my self in a parent type role with the teenager. This did not mean necessarily in a Critical Parent type of role but overall do I feel like a parent type person when working with the teenager.

As I thought about the answer I found this question perplexed me. I obviously had not thought about the topic in detail before. My initial response to the question was yes and no. Which obviously is not a clear answer because I did not have a clear answer. As I thought about it at the time the ‘yes & no’ answer was right for me but I did not answer the question to my satisfaction (or the participants I would imagine).

How do I relate to the younger client?

As the discussion continued someone then said that as I did not see myself in a clear parent position then did I relate to the teenagers in a sort of peer role. Like a friend to the teenager. My answer to this was with a more definite, “No”.

Then it was stated that if I did not come from a parent type role or a friend type role what was my role? My answer to this was, I don’t know.

Travelling to Serbia and Croatia from Australia means I am on the road for about 24 hours (well more in the air than the road). I find this very useful time in that I can do precisely what I did in this instance. On the trip back I basically sought to answer the question that was asked and could not answer for the group.

The time allowed me to make many notes and formulate my thinking on the question of the therapeutic relationship with the teenage client. I now have a much fuller answer to the question should I ever be asked it again.

I understand now why I was perplexed with the question and did not have a clear answer. After much deliberation on the subject my answer involves articulating a complex set of relationships which I will do in the near future.

It seems I got something out of the workshop as well!

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Working with the indecisive client.

At times clients present with the difficulty of not being able to make a decision about something. Life has offered them a fork in the road and they cannot decide which path to take. It may be to leave a job or stay, to move to another state or not, what course of study to take and so forth.

Of course the problem is not the actual decision but the psychological forces at work in the decision making process. In a decision about whether to do A or B there are actually three solutions.

1. Decide to do A

2. Decide to do B

3. Stay undecided or as it is called in psychotherapy - to stay stuck.

This child has made a decision why can’t some adults

Sometimes people can’t take solution 3 for very long because the circumstances mean a decision has to be made. For instance a new job is offered to you and you are given a month to decide. In this case one can make a decision by not making a decision. If the person remains undecided then they don’t take the new job. The decision is forced upon them and they don’t actually make any decision. Sometimes people can take solution 3 for many years such as in deciding to leave a marriage, or deciding to look for a new job or not.

So why would a person choose solution three? There could be a number of reasons.

They may have what is called a “stuck racket”. The person remains stuck or undecided and then agonises over and over about it. Here they are getting plenty of psychological strokes which we all need and it will also be proving to them some life script decision they made as a child. That early decision could have been something like, “Life is never easy”. They then set about establishing a life that is hard work and one way to do that is by agonising over decisions. This client needs to change the early decision and get their strokes in other ways.

Some people have what is called an “Always’ life script. This person was told by their parents - “Now you have made your bed you have to lie in it”. Once you have made a decision you have to live with it forever. As you can imagine this person will be very cautious about making big decisions because they have the view that they can’t change their mind later on. Which of course is a nonsense. This client needs the permission that it is OK to change their mind later on which of course one usually can.

There are times however when the decision is a one off and one cannot change their mind later, such as with a one time job offer. This raises another possible feature of the indecisive person. They think - “What if I make the wrong decision and regret it for the rest of my days”. I have always found this an odd sort of thought. This person needs to live in the Here & Now as the diagram shows. This person lives too much in the past rather than the Here & Now.

If I look back at my life in hindsight I can see that I made some bad decisions along the way but isn’t that the tapestry of life? What would my life be like if I had always made the right decision? However this is still missing the point. If I made the decision to go path A and in hindsight it probably would have been better to go path B what does that matter. I am now on path A and that means there will be whole set of life events and circumstances that are going to come my way. I have never been one to see the glass half empty, or to see if the neighbour’s grass is greener. It is a change in focus from regretting the past to looking at what one has now and what the future holds.

Some are indecisive because they have lost touch with their Free Child ego state. The Free Child knows what is the right decision to make. Those who are so shut off from that aspect of their personality can end up indecisive because they don’t get a feeling of what is the right decision. With such clients I sometimes flip a coin.

They have worked out all the pros and cons for decision A and decision B and they weigh up fairly equal. So the person remains undecided. I set the scene. I get out a coin and say heads is decision A and tails is decision B. By this time the client is wide eyed and feeling “Holy s**t my life is based on the flip of a coin!”.

The coin is flipped and it comes up heads so decision A it is. At that point sometimes the client will respond in one of two ways.

1. “Damn I wanted it to be tails!”

2. “Phew that’s a relief”

We have found out what decision the Free Child wanted.

Finally we have the indecisive client who is a dependent personality and basically wants me to make the decision for them. Do I make it for them? Watch this space.

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The process of individuation**

Integral to a child’s breakdown of its attachment to mother is its own individuation. As it reduces its attachment it then develops an understanding of itself as an individual. It slowly moves out to the individual self. If it does not individuate successfully then it can never successfully separate from the initial attachment figure.

The top diagram is the situation for the new born. It has no sense or very little sense of its individuation or its self as an individual. Over time this begins to happen and slowly the child develops a sense of individuation as it separates from its attachment to mother. This is shown in the second diagram. As the child separates it has to individuate and the more it individuates the more it can separate.

To define who am I - individuate - I have to also define who I am not.

When I worked in a prison there was one guard in particular whom I became quite good friends with. When there was a ‘lock down’ as thus there was not much to do we would sometimes have heated argument.

One of the arguments that I would present to him, to which he would vigourously debate against, was that society needed its prisons and prisoners. They had a positive effect on society and that if ever there were no prisoners or law breakers then society would eventually collapse in on itself. This could happen because the society would loose its sense of identity.

Prisoners allow us to define what we are not. “Those people in prison are prisoners and we are not like them”. It allows us to get a sense of “Them and Us”. By doing that we then begin to get a sense of who and what “Us” is and thus we get a sense of our group identity in that way. Prisoners allows us to maintain our group identity.

Individuals?

Indeed then we have wars. One sometimes hears the phrase, “The war on crime”. When ever a society in engaged in some kind of war it allows it to define what we are not - we are not the enemy. Thus we get a sense of who we are, we get more of a sense of what “Us” is. If we didn’t have this then perhaps the group’s identity would fade and that is one thing humans do not like at all! This could be argued as one of the psychological bases of war.

At an individual level we find the same psychological mechanism at work. We hear a lot about the child’s separation from the parent. After it forms an attachment to mother it then sets about breaking that down by separating from the parent. It actually does two things. It separates and it individuates. As the young child separates it stops using mothers identity and must begin establishing it’s own and thus becomes its own individual. So how does it do that?

At birth an infant is all Free Child and has no identity of its own. It has no individuation. The separation and individuation is seen to occur at three crucial stages of development. 2 years of age, 4 years of age and adolescence. It is at these three ages when it develops its own identity.

These three stages are know as the negativistic stages. That is, at these ages many of the children are found to be negativistic, antagonistic and rebellious against the parents. Why would they be like that? One reason is that they are defining what they are not, they are establishing who the enemy is, which is most often the parents. This of course is when the RC or Rebellious Child ego state is extensively used by the child and teenager.

The teenager finds out what he is not which partially allows him to define who he is. If he is also allowed to experiment with different things then he also finds out the things that he actually likes himself. If he is allowed to do things then this allows him to develop his views and beliefs on this and that then he will complete the identity establishing process. He becomes individuated. Slowly he starts to shift from individuating by rebelling to individuating by the Free Child. If he is afforded the opportunity to define what he is not then he can start to define what he is.

Firstly the child sets about defining what it is not and then it can start to define what it is. If the parent makes the wrong responses then the child can get stuck in RC individuation and the FC individuation is hampered. Those wrong responses can be two fold

1. The parents do not allow the RC expression either by providing nothing for the teenager to rebel against. That is the parents are highly permissive with very few rules and boundaries for the child. Or they are simply overwhelmingly strict and authoritarian such that the teenager gives up trying to rebel at all.

2. The teenager is not allowed to try and experiment with a variety of activities and life styles. For instance I can remember being 18 years of age, unemployed and living in a house (if you could call it that) with three of my male friends. I lived for a year with virtually no money and it was a great experience even though at times I went hungry, was cold and tired. I learnt how to make a can of baked beans taste really good. Mind you that is not very hard when you are really hungry in the first place. I recall on the occasions that I would go home to my parents house and noticed how soft the carpet felt on my feet. I had never noticed that before. The house I lived in for a year had carpet in a few rooms but it was very thin and worn.

My parents could have intervened and provided the money for me to live in a much more luxurious accommodation but then my Free Child individuation would have been disrupted by them doing so.

Why do teenagers do this? Because they can. FC individuation.

The point being that I was afforded the opportunity for my Free Child to experience the world and life in ways that I had never done before. By doing such a thing I could then discover who I was as an individual. Of course this is just one example of the many hundreds of things that the teenager needs to be allowed to do so his Free Child can find out about life, who he is and what he thinks and feels as an individual.

Of course the antiscript stage of development occurs at this time as well for the teenager. Indeed this could be seen as an explanation of why the teenager deviates off the path of the life script into antiscript. He will try and do all sorts of things that his life script would not normally allow him to do. What is also highlighted here is that teenagers are sometimes see as being rebellious, that is doing RC individuation, when in fact they are not. Yes they rebel to get a sense of - I am not that - but this still does not allow them find who they are. To do that they have to try out and experiment with lots of alternative activities and life styles.

Many might see her as being rebellious by the way she presents herself. This may not be so. She may simply be trying different ways of looking and dressing so she can find out what she likes and what fits for her own sense of sense. Free Child individuation.

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